image from my great pals at Where is Your Line
"How do I talk dirty?" is a something every sex expert gets asked all the time. It's one of those questions that is easily answered--when in doubt, just narrate!--but people are so nervous about what they sound like during sex that they want to find a script they can memorize that will provide a Guaranteed Hot Sexy Time. But the thing is, everybody feels differently about how a hookup should sound: some people want a play-by-play, some want to be bossed around, and others prefer a kind of hot, tense silence. I think humans can generally be divided into three broad categories: breathers, moaners, and talkers.
Breathers might not make much noise but will breathe in ways that, if interpreted correctly, are totally hot. Especially if they're breathing heavily in your ear while sucking on your earlobe. Or whatever.
Moaners moan without having to try; they get hit in the right spot or licked in the right way and they can't not make noise.
Talkers can be good talkers or bad talkers. Good talkers say things that are hot and make you feel good; bad talkers make inappropriate comments and kill the mood.
Becoming a Moaner
If you're shy or just naturally quiet during sex, don't fake moaning; just try to identify the times and feelings that elicit heavy breathing and try to add a little bit of a moan to the mix. Eventually, moans will come to you naturally. But don't overdo it: not everything should make you moan like you're about to come. The person pleasing you wants to earn those sounds. There's nothing worse than hearing someone howl repeatedly like the star of "Cum Guzzling Cheerleaders Part 7."
If you're such a moaner that you do really sound like a pornstar, try gagging yourself or putting a pillow over your face. It will be that much hotter when you can moan again.
Talking Dirty to Get Consent
One of the most vexing issues around consent is that everyone assumes it's a total boner-killer to stop, negotiate, agree to Sex Acts A and B but not C, and recommence where you left off. But getting consent can easily be worked into your sexy talk. If you want to give consent, few things are hotter to a partner than hearing you say, "I want you to ____ me." And if you want to ask for consent, say, "I really want to ____ you. Is that okay?" wait for them to say "yes," and, voila! You have consent.
How to Talk
Talking dirty, for those to whom it doesn't come naturally, is an art form that can take an average sexual experience all the way to awesome. If your partner asks you to talk dirty to them, here are a few places to start:
"I can't wait to ____ you"
"Your ____ feels so fucking good"
"I love it when you ____ me"
"Your ____ gets so ____ when I ____ it"
"Your ____ is going to make me come"
What Not to Say
Some people are Directors and want to be in charge and running the show during sex. I would encourage you--particularly men--to use caution before being too bossy. For some women, hearing something that sounds word for word like what guys say in porn movies can be a turnoff, triggering*, or both. There is a world of difference between talking about the shared experience you're having with a partner ("It's so hot when you suck my cock") and making a partner feel like they're at the service of your sexual pleasure alone ("Suck my cock, yeah you love it you little slut, don't you?").
Dos and Don'ts
- Do: the first time you hook up with someone, you should tell them they're beautiful/so fucking hot/gorgeous. Doing this a) makes clear to your partner that you think they're so fucking hot and b) is just good policy.
- Do: Get--and give--consent. "I want you to ___ me" is one of the hottest things a person can hear.
- Don't: Use porn-tastic language without clearing it with your partner first. Some women are going to be super turned on by hearing "Yeah, take my big cock you little whore" but others are going to reel back and punch you in the face. So ask.
- Do: Ask for what you want. If it really turns you on to be called "Daddy," or "Kitten" or "Boy Scout" or whatever, say so.
- Don't: Bite your tongue out of nervousness. Whatever sound you make, if genuine, will be hot.
- Do: Give praise. "Yeah, that feels so fucking good" is a great thing to say under any circumstances and doesn't force you to say words that might be hard to say at first, like "pussy" or "cock."
- Don't: Say the same thing every time. Your partner will remember if you said "I love it when your ____ gets tight when I ____ you" the last ten times you ____ed them.