The original dried up, ball-busting career woman I might mention...who's a fashion editor for Vogue.
With the buzz around the hilariously awful International Herald Tribune (which is published by, but not the same thing as, the New York Times) article "Keeping Romance Alive in the Age of Female Empowerment" (or, "How can you possibly expect to find love, you dried up, ball-busting career woman?") I thought it was time to help the boys out with some tips on how to date a feminist.
Amanda Hess's original interview with Jaclyn Friedman and Jezebel's recent series "Fucking While Feminist" addressed the issues feminist women face when trying to date and have sex. Boys, we want to help you get some, promise we do. And in spite of what conservatives love to claim, plenty of men are doggedly interested in dating women who are independent and capable of thinking for themselves.
Many feminist women will be happy to roll with your inadvertently sexist flaws once you're actually dating, but when you're on a first or second or third date and trying to pump up the baloon of interest and desire, one wrong comment can pop it forever.
I asked my smartest, most successful friends to reveal how guys they've dated ruined their chances of getting laid. I should note that all of the women interviewed are professional, graduate-schooled women with their own health insurance. Most are married or engaged. Here are some helpful hints that can help you put your best face forward.
- Presumptively rent a hotel room or ask if you can sleep over without an invitation. Maybe she does want to sleep with you on the first date, but you're better off not assuming.
- Tell stories about the "house rats" who hung around your frat in college, "trying to get fucked." On a second date. Really? I can't wait til date #4 when you tell me the cutesy name you had for the girls who passed out and got raped.
- Inform your wife that she hasn't cooked dinner all week. Unless she has the combination to the safe where all of your cooking supplies are located or both of your legs are in casts, you have no excuse for not getting yourself fed. Or cooking dinner for her, for a change.
- Talk about how you don't need to get tested. You need to get tested.
- Claim that nobody who isn't in college uses condoms anymore. Want to get fucked? You need to wear condoms.
- Admit you think girls make up rape charges because they feel guilty about having sex. They don't.
- Tell titty jokes.
- Refuse to have sex with women without Brazilian waxes. Like shaving? Try it yourself.
- Make comments about other hot chicks in the restaurant/bar/coffee shop where you're meeting.
- Brag about how much money you make. Chances are good the woman you're going out with has her own job, her own insurance, and doesn't really care about how much money you make as long as you're self-sufficient. Talking about it excessively demonstrates that you think your money is one of your best qualities and, if that's the case, why are you going out with a feminist?
- Talk about the anti-abortion protest you went to.
- Refer to a woman you don't like as a "cunt," "ho," "slut," and so on.
- Mention how big [you think] your dick is.
- Point out to a woman that she is "opinionated" or "has a lot of opinions." Probably she got those "opinions" during her decades of elite education, and by pointing it out you're revealing that you actually prefer women who aren't opinionated. Which is fine, but then why are you on a date with a feminist?
We're not all negative here at How to Have Sex in Texas, and to prove it here are some Dos. I can't guarantee they'll get you laid but some of you guys need all the help you can get.
- Carry condoms with you so if you get lucky, you don't look like a chump who assumes unprotected sex is okay. It's not okay.
- Call on the phone. In the early stages of dating, texting in lieu of calling makes you look like a scrotum.
- Be up front about any "history" you have. Divorced? No problem. Got herpes? Just disclose.
- Be psyched if a woman tells you about her sex toys. They're not competitors, they're teammates.
- Mention that you love going down on women. If you don't, either learn to like it or develop other killer foreplay skills.
- Go down on her first. This earns you many, many sex karma points. Promise.
- Ask for consent. Say "I want to fuck you. Is that okay?" And wait for her to say "YES!!!"
Good luck boys.
If reading is hard, this video of fellow Bedpost Confessions performer Big Poppa E pretty much sums it up.