Saturday, December 18, 2010

How to Talk Dirty Part 1:
The Narrator vs. The Director

"Oh yeah, you like it when I whisper in your ear, don't you?"

It's been 3 years since I last wrote about talking dirty and last night ran into someone who reminded me of the urgency of clear guidelines on this subject. Suffice it to say, like the definition of "obscenity" itself, one may not know bad dirty talk until one experiences it. And by then it is too late.

There are two main styles for talking dirty: Narrator and Director. (There is also Mime, which I do not recommend.) A Narrator is someone who will describe what is happening as it is happening, giving a play-by-play of the various actions taking place and (usually) commenting about how good it feels, how hot it is, and so on.

A Director is someone who prefers to tell their partner what to do. This is common in mainstream porn where the fantasy is a man getting a woman to do anything he wants.

Here are some different ways a Narrator and a Director might communicate the same thing:

Narrator: "It feels so good when you bite my ear"
Director: "Oh yeah baby, bite my ear"

Narrator: "I love it when you suck my nipples like that"
Director: "Suck my nipples"

Narrator: "Your ____ tastes so good"
Director: "You think it's so hot when I suck your ____, don't you?"

Narrator: "Your ____ feels amazing in my ____"
Director: "Take all of my ____. You like that, don't you?"

And so on. Some people prefer the narrative style and others the directive and either way is fine, but one should avoid doing both. Nothing is worse than discovering that, when your own mouth is too full to talk, that you are going down on someone who wants to play the role of both Narrator and Director.

Just imagine: there you are, innocently pleasuring your partner, who proceeds to tell you what to do immediately followed by commentary on how good it feels. This might sound like someone following that old adage to tell your partner what you want them to do and then appreciate them when they do it. But what can happen rather quickly is that the person giving the instructions and praise doesn't ever stop fucking talking and you feel like you're watching Headline News where the newscaster is but a small percentage of the information being communicated: the talking head is saying, "This is the best blowjob since the 2008 election!" and the ticker is saying "You like that baby, don't you?" and the headline across the bottom of the screen says "Blowjob Significantly Better than those Given by Ex-Girlfriend, the Bitch" and up in the corner where the weather icon should be is a countdown to "I'm gonna come in your mouth in 5...4...3..." and you get so overwhelmed with information that you just want to change the channel already.

If you notice the person going down on you rolling their eyes, it's time to shut the fuck up and come already.

Instruction on what to actually say tomorrow.


  1. Funny.

    I never noticed the voice of my or another's dirty talk. Lookin' forward to it.

  2. 100% agree on the "Narrator" vs "Director." Nothing is worse than being told what to do as if you're an extra in their movie - totally utilitarian and ancillary. You might as well not even be there except as an extra pair of hands and a mouth.