Thursday, April 15, 2010

Trojan Ecstasy's Texas-Sized Wrappers

Now I have small hands, but SERIOUSLY?

the new Trojan Ecstasy Her Pleasure; standard Trojan Magnum Thin; Durex Enhanced Pleasure

I have been on record for years about how most guys who claim to need Magnums are douchebags, Trojans really aren't that great for grownups who like to be able to feel that they're having sex, etc. So imagine my shock when a student pulled a new Trojan HEY LOOK I HAVE A HUGE DICK! Magnum Ecstasy out of his pocket with its even-more-huge-than-I-remembered gold wrapper. Which, I assume, is the point.

I assumed that this impractically enormous wrapper was isolated to the ego-stroking Magnum, but alas another student brought in a Trojan Ecstasy Her Pleasure (pictured above) and the wrapper was the same size. More precisely, 2 and 13/16 inches square of lovely, won't-even-fit-in-your-handbag lavender foil. Even better, when I went to Target to investigate the condom offerings (as I often do on a Sunday evening trip to Target), I discovered that the Ecstasy line costs the same as a box of non-Ecstasy Trojans and only has 10 rubbers per box instead of the standard 12. Hmm...sounds like the trick food manufacturers are using to deceptively package less product and sell it to consumers for the same price.

In spite of the HEY LOOK I HAVE A HUGE DICK! wrapper, the condoms are not bigger--what makes them "ecstasy"tastic is:

  • UltraSmooth™ Premium Lubricant inside and out for more natural feel.

  • Comfort shape allows freedom of movement for a more natural experience.

  • Larger than standard latex condoms for extra comfort.

  • Tapered at the base for a secure fit.

  • Textured for stimulation

The UltraSmooth™ Premium Lubricant never washes off, I'll tell you that. After blowing up the condom to see what it looked like I rubbed the lube all over my hands and it never soaked in--I had to wash my hands repeatedly. Which is good...right? I heard from a student yesterday that he and his girlfriend were worried they were "doing it wrong" because the semen was dribbling down the side of the Ecstasy Her Pleasure condom they were using. That's what the "comfort shape" gets you: semen leakage. Yuck. And the "texture"? Try 6 ribs at the base that I guarantee will not stimulate any vagina.

Trojan has another clever marketing ploy to try to get insecure frat guys to buy more condoms that kinda actually suck: the new Fire and Ice with "Dual Action Lubricant - warming and tingling sensations for both partners." Seriously. Also comes in HEY LOOK I HAVE A HUGE DICK! size. I'm not sure why you would want to use this product, since the prospect of both warming AND cooling sensations on your genitals at the same time sounds utterly terrifying, but I guess you could get together with your bros and use it with your Icy Hot Chill Stick.

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