Austin #1 Most Sexually Active City in USA, Has Own Racist Lube

Easy to get in Houston, that is!

According to National Douchebag Monthly (read: Men's Health), Austin is the most sexually active city in America!

But don't take it from me: Texas towns haven't fared well in a few of our past rankings, having been included among the Fattest and the Drunkest U.S. cities. But this time is different. When we calculated national nookie rates, several Lone Star State cities came out on top. Maybe they took our previous rankings to heart—you'll have more sex if you sober up and slim down.

I think they've got their chicken and their egg mixed up: recent research has shown that fatter women have more sex and, duh, Austin is also one of the most drunk cities in America, so do the math:

beer goggles = sexual desire x (fat chick - 30 pounds), amirite bros?

But I am completely fucking proud that of all the categories by which cities were rated, Austin was #1 in condom sales. I'd like to think that yours truly had a little somethin' to do with that. I also want to give a shout out to my local condom purveying establishments, the Walgreens at 45th and Guadalupe and the Hancock Center HEB, which have amazing condom and lube sections.

But the really weird thing? Texas has 7 cities in the top 20, more than any other state by far. And those cities, for the most part, all have big colleges in them so perhaps the high ranking on condom sales is related to college kids being responsible about wrapping it up. For the complete list check out the Statesman.

I do want to point out one flaw in their analysis, though--they claim that for STD ranking, #1 = highest rate. And ain't no way Houston is 50th (i.e., lowest) in STD rates. Dallas neither. Both are epicenters of the syphilis retro sensation.

In kind of related news, we have our own possibly racist lube offering here in town, with two varieties for your slippin' slidin' pleasure: Joe Lube, which is standard, and José lube, which is "thicker." Mad props to my student J who fearlessly took this photo at our friendly neighborhood local Walgreens.