Q: Why Isn't Grindr for Straight People? A: AFK, BBS, SWF L4 NSA GFE

Isn't this helpful?

Dear Julie,

I recently heard about an iPhone app called Grindr, which lets men who want to hook up find each other based on their GPS coordinates. First of all, awesome. Second of all, how come straight people don't have something like that? How sweet would it be to just be able to find a girl within 500 yards of my location and have sex? Can you help?

J/O Enthusiast (jk),

Edward

Dear Edward,

From what I hear, Austin's online hook up scene for straight people is dominated by craigslist and, to a lesser extent, OKCupid and that there's no Grindr-like option for us breeders. But the problem with all of those sites is that it takes longer and more effort to create a profile than it does to just, say, go to a bar and make oneself available for sex.

The downside, for straight men anyway, is that men's sex has no value, so you can't just go to a bar with a t-shirt that says "I give great head" and expect that a girl is going to a) take you seriously and b) go home with you. Part of the reason for that is women don't want to "sell" to someone who clearly doesn't have the social capital to find and "buy" from a willing woman. I've [ahem] heard from guys that all a girl has to do is say, "Hey, want to have sex?" and the deal is sealed, so to speak. But if a guy does the same he's liable to get slapped in the face.

So what's a technology-addled guy to do? First, stop checking in FourSquare, stop Tweeting, and put your iPhone down. You have a couple of options and none of them involve thumbing those dumb "Hey, how you doin?" texts late at night.

First, if you haven't totally ruled out guys, why not sign up for Grindr and see how unbelievably easy it is to get laid outside a system that punishes women for having casual sex? Women generally don't go in for anonymous, casual sex because their "value" declines if they sell at too low a "price." (Reminder: Men's sex has no value, so they can sell at whatever price they want and it doesn't have any bearing on their overall social standing.)

If same sex behavior is totally out, you can always try craigslist. Again and again and again. But from what I hear, most of the women who populate the "Casual Encounters" section in Austin are actually sex workers. So try the "Women Seeking Men" section instead. You might find someone to have sex with you after exchanging 75 emails with pictures, references, work history, etc.

If that doesn't work you might take your search offline to bars, clubs, the gym, or the rollerskating rink. (Well, that last one is just if you want to meet me.) The men who are most likely to succeed are smart enough to meet girls at places where their guard is down and they're not steeling themselves to get hit on by every horny douchebag that walks in the door. Try church. Or a bowling alley. Or, again, the rollerskating rink. Have a gay friend? Get him to take you dancing at a gay bar--those places are crawling with straight women looking to avoid the meat-market atmosphere.

Unfortunately there aren't straight bath houses, straight glory holes, straight cruising areas, and so on. Not because women wouldn't like to have anonymous sex--but because they can't due to the social consequences of "selling" at too low a price. Don't like it? The patriarchy isn't fair to men, either.

Much Love,

Julie Sunday