How to Talk Dirty Part 2: Opening Your Mouth

image from my great pals at Where is Your Line

"How do I talk dirty?" is a something every sex expert gets asked all the time. It's one of those questions that is easily answered--when in doubt, just narrate!--but people are so nervous about what they sound like during sex that they want to find a script they can memorize that will provide a Guaranteed Hot Sexy Time. But the thing is, everybody feels differently about how a hookup should sound: some people want a play-by-play, some want to be bossed around, and others prefer a kind of hot, tense silence. I think humans can generally be divided into three broad categories: breathers, moaners, and talkers.

Breathers might not make much noise but will breathe in ways that, if interpreted correctly, are totally hot. Especially if they're breathing heavily in your ear while sucking on your earlobe. Or whatever.

Moaners moan without having to try; they get hit in the right spot or licked in the right way and they can't not make noise.

Talkers can be good talkers or bad talkers. Good talkers say things that are hot and make you feel good; bad talkers make inappropriate comments and kill the mood.

Becoming a Moaner

If you're shy or just naturally quiet during sex, don't fake moaning; just try to identify the times and feelings that elicit heavy breathing and try to add a little bit of a moan to the mix. Eventually, moans will come to you naturally. But don't overdo it: not everything should make you moan like you're about to come. The person pleasing you wants to earn those sounds. There's nothing worse than hearing someone howl repeatedly like the star of "Cum Guzzling Cheerleaders Part 7."

If you're such a moaner that you do really sound like a pornstar, try gagging yourself or putting a pillow over your face. It will be that much hotter when you can moan again.

Talking Dirty to Get Consent

One of the most vexing issues around consent is that everyone assumes it's a total boner-killer to stop, negotiate, agree to Sex Acts A and B but not C, and recommence where you left off. But getting consent can easily be worked into your sexy talk. If you want to give consent, few things are hotter to a partner than hearing you say, "I want you to ____ me." And if you want to ask for consent, say, "I really want to ____ you. Is that okay?" wait for them to say "yes," and, voila! You have consent.

How to Talk

Talking dirty, for those to whom it doesn't come naturally, is an art form that can take an average sexual experience all the way to awesome. If your partner asks you to talk dirty to them, here are a few places to start:

"I can't wait to ____ you"
"Your ____ feels so fucking good"
"I love it when you ____ me"
"Your ____ gets so ____ when I ____ it"
"Your ____ is going to make me come"

What Not to Say

Some people are Directors and want to be in charge and running the show during sex. I would encourage you--particularly men--to use caution before being too bossy. For some women, hearing something that sounds word for word like what guys say in porn movies can be a turnoff, triggering*, or both. There is a world of difference between talking about the shared experience you're having with a partner ("It's so hot when you suck my cock") and making a partner feel like they're at the service of your sexual pleasure alone ("Suck my cock, yeah you love it you little slut, don't you?").

Dos and Don'ts

• Do: the first time you hook up with someone, you should tell them they're beautiful/so fucking hot/gorgeous. Doing this a) makes clear to your partner that you think they're so fucking hot and b) is just good policy.
• Do: Get--and give--consent. "I want you to ___ me" is one of the hottest things a person can hear.
• Don't: Use porn-tastic language without clearing it with your partner first. Some women are going to be super turned on by hearing "Yeah, take my big cock you little whore" but others are going to reel back and punch you in the face. So ask.
• Do: Ask for what you want. If it really turns you on to be called "Daddy," or "Kitten" or "Boy Scout" or whatever, say so.
• Don't: Bite your tongue out of nervousness. Whatever sound you make, if genuine, will be hot.
• Do: Give praise. "Yeah, that feels so fucking good" is a great thing to say under any circumstances and doesn't force you to say words that might be hard to say at first, like "pussy" or "cock."
• Don't: Say the same thing every time. Your partner will remember if you said "I love it when your ____ gets tight when I ____ you" the last ten times you ____ed them.

I love it when you ____ my ____,
Julie Sunday


*A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma.

How to Talk Dirty Part 1: The Narrator vs. The Director

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The Electric Kool-Aid Syphilis Test

How fortuitous that I happen to be reading Tom Wolfe's hallucinogenic masterpiece right now, because my first thought upon seeing this super weird 1970s cartoon syphilis video produced by the Navy is how incredible it would be to watch it on acid. Which, in the Navy in the 1970s, might have been just the state of mind in which many viewers saw this film.

The video sets up an award show in which Venereal Disease, and specifically Syphilis and Gonorrhea, win the award for "Communicable Disease of the Year" against such worthy adversaries as smallpox, the common cold, and scarlet fever. The show's MC explains that, while each of the other contenders has made their own splash, syphilis has stood the test of time and has been with us humans for centuries.

What follows is an accurate and entertaining (at least for sexual health nerds like me who love syphilis) history of the infection. Like many contemporary sex ed videos, the narration fails to mention that, you know, condoms help prevent syphilis and gonorrhea. But that's neither here nor there--this is a historical gem.

Of course Texas has been a trendsetter in the retro syphilis sensation of the past decade and we're real proud of that but we could all stand to learn a little somethin' about the syph.

Trojan Makes Another Terrible Commercial for Tri-Phoria

I mean seriously, who are these ads intended for? The last ad was cheesy as hell and this one is worse. Blow your hair back? For $39.99? Trojan is banking on the fact that women who watch infomercials have never been to a sex toy store, ever.

My favorite part is when the bride-to-be shares with her man that they got not one! not two! but three! Tri-Phorias and he slaps the counter and says "SAWEET!" Surely he's thinking, "One for each of my balls and one for the taint! Best bridal shower EVER!"

The ads for the Trojan Triphoria represent the first sex toy ads ever to screen during primetime, so for that we can thank our pals in Princeton who have the big money to get sex ads on TV.

Still not for sale in Texas though. Sorry, ladies (and gents).


Buy it here!

Most Important Holiday Gift of All

All senior citizens deserve handjobs indeed! You tell 'em, grandma.

How could I have forgotten the Handjob!?! Fortunately my pal Lisa over at Handjob! Customer Service* sent me their brand-spanking [heh] new video just in time for the holiday season.

I'm actually expecting 8 handjobs any day now! Friends and family of Julie Sunday, check your stockings on Christmas morning!

Nothing says "I like you" like a genuine handjob. You deserve it!

* someone clearly won the crown for best business card ever

The Moment You've Been Waiting For: The Go-To Gift Guide!

I think a 4:1 gift ratio is fair: 4 gifts for others, 1 gift for yourself. Check out Babeland's Sexy Holiday Gift Guides if you need more inspiration!

'Tis the season to buy gifts and, if you're like me, you worry over whether the gift you're picking out for your aunt or uncle is just right, and whether it'll actually be used or just wind up in the attic. I don't advocate buying sex-related gifts for family (not even my own family) but when it comes time to pick out something for your friends that will actually be used and enjoyed, sex toys can be just the ticket.

With that, I'd like to bring you some of my picks for this holiday season.

The Gift: The Honeymoon in a Box kit from Babeland.

Who's it for? The couple you still haven't gotten a wedding gift for despite having attended their nuptials months ago. Not long ago I went to a wedding and had a convo with the groom the night before the ceremony about how he wanted something that sounded an awful lot like a vibrating cock ring. This kit covers that base with a ring, a finger vibe, lickable oil, flavored lube, and dirty dice. After being married for 6 months, what better way to bring the Honeymoon back?

The Gift: A Fleshlight.

Who's it for? Your friend who's been deployed, just received a long away-from-home work assignment, or is otherwise in a long-distance relationship. But unless you're besties, don't get this one for someone who's single, becuase that's just awkward.



The Gift: The Lelo Soraya

Who's it for? The girl who has everything (cough cough, this is at the top of my list). This is the most gorgeous "rabbit" style vibrator yet and one-ups Lelo's last effort, the also-gorgeous Ina. The innovation here is the hole in the base, which gives more leverage in a situation where you need all the dexterity you can get. Also, rechargeable and totally waterproof.

The Gift: Jimmyjane Little Afterglow set of massage candles

Who's it for? The couple who's been together for a few years now and could use something fun. I'm a huge fan of massage candles and Jimmyjane's products always have high-quality, nontoxic scents so you can enjoy hot massage oil without the irritation of cheap, chemical smells.

The Gift: Moregasm: Babeland's Guide to Mind-Blowing Sex

Who's it for? Freakin' everyone (yourself included). I just looked at this book the other day and it's awesome. The printing is amazing, the models in the photos are diverse and hot, and the advice, of course, is excellent.

The Gift: Open Invitation (DVD)

Who's it for? That friend you have who watches too much bad porn who you think could really use some hot, high quality material that doesn't contain pop-up ads or crash their hard drive.

The Gift: The Bend-Over Beginner Kit

Who's it for? That couple you know who's been wanting to try anal sex for years but can't work up the nerve. With this kit the female partner can strap-on and bend over her guy, which ought to teach him a thing or two about how to be gentle and patient. Then maybe they'll be ready to try anal. Don't forget the silicone-based lube!

Happy Holidays!

Go-To Girl

How to Date a Feminist: Who's Running the Fuck?

Gulity as charged! I dig you, Colbert. I dig you hard.

After yesterday's post I got a lot of comments from guys about their frustrations trying to date feminist women, and one in particular I wanted to include here.

The biggest obstacle I've encountered is preparing for the bedroom switch. You spend the whole evening minding your Ps and Qs and then as soon as those clothes come off, you're expected to be a bitch-slapping, play-choking, rough-fucking manimal. Not that all feminists are into that sort of thing, but in my experience, it's more often than not.

I totally get the frustration at having to be all feminist and shit ("Of course I'm pro-choice. I voted for Hillary in the primaries. I volunteer at the rape crisis center.") only to be expected to put on your Manny Manny Man skin when you get back to her place.



I think the flip side to this is that many feminist women (myself included) encounter men who assume that we are totally dominant and that they can kind of kick back and relax in the bedroom. But a female friend expressed her frustration with this attitude thusly:

Sex isn't life, it's an escape from life. I spend my entire life making my own decisions, telling my employees what to do, carefully apportioning my time, etc. When I get in bed, it's a huge relief to let someone else take charge and handle that.

I refer to this as running the fuck. Perhaps therein lies the rub of dating a feminist: men attracted to women who have their shit together might be hoping that they are in for a sexual rollercoaster ride of which they don't have to be the navigator.

Our sexual scripts are based on the "exchange" of women's sex for men's "resources," which puts the man in a position of power and allows for more "natural" male dominance of sexual encounters. Of course, not everyone--male or female, feminist or not--is into this script, but men who date feminists might understandably assume that a woman who subverts gender roles in her everyday might also be interested in subverting gender roles in bed, which might not be the case.

This is not to argue that feminist women are a bunch of pillow princesses who just want to lay back and be serviced (which can itself be a form of domination) but they might not be interested in being in charge, either. The best way to find out is to ask. Or just wrestle and see who comes out on top.


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How to Date a Feminist

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The original dried up, ball-busting career woman I might mention...who's a fashion editor for Vogue.

With the buzz around the hilariously awful International Herald Tribune (which is published by, but not the same thing as, the New York Times) article "Keeping Romance Alive in the Age of Female Empowerment" (or, "How can you possibly expect to find love, you dried up, ball-busting career woman?") I thought it was time to help the boys out with some tips on how to date a feminist.

Amanda Hess's original interview with Jaclyn Friedman and Jezebel's recent series "Fucking While Feminist" addressed the issues feminist women face when trying to date and have sex. Boys, we want to help you get some, promise we do. And in spite of what conservatives love to claim, plenty of men are doggedly interested in dating women who are independent and capable of thinking for themselves.

Many feminist women will be happy to roll with your inadvertently sexist flaws once you're actually dating, but when you're on a first or second or third date and trying to pump up the baloon of interest and desire, one wrong comment can pop it forever.

I asked my smartest, most successful friends to reveal how guys they've dated ruined their chances of getting laid. I should note that all of the women interviewed are professional, graduate-schooled women with their own health insurance. Most are married or engaged. Here are some helpful hints that can help you put your best face forward.

DON'T:

• Presumptively rent a hotel room or ask if you can sleep over without an invitation. Maybe she does want to sleep with you on the first date, but you're better off not assuming.
• Tell stories about the "house rats" who hung around your frat in college, "trying to get fucked." On a second date. Really? I can't wait til date #4 when you tell me the cutesy name you had for the girls who passed out and got raped.
• Inform your wife that she hasn't cooked dinner all week. Unless she has the combination to the safe where all of your cooking supplies are located or both of your legs are in casts, you have no excuse for not getting yourself fed. Or cooking dinner for her, for a change.
• Talk about how you don't need to get tested. You need to get tested.
• Claim that nobody who isn't in college uses condoms anymore. Want to get fucked? You need to wear condoms.
• Admit you think girls make up rape charges because they feel guilty about having sex. They don't.
• Tell titty jokes.
• Refuse to have sex with women without Brazilian waxes. Like shaving? Try it yourself.
• Make comments about other hot chicks in the restaurant/bar/coffee shop where you're meeting.
• Brag about how much money you make. Chances are good the woman you're going out with has her own job, her own insurance, and doesn't really care about how much money you make as long as you're self-sufficient. Talking about it excessively demonstrates that you think your money is one of your best qualities and, if that's the case, why are you going out with a feminist?
• Talk about the anti-abortion protest you went to.
• Refer to a woman you don't like as a "cunt," "ho," "slut," and so on.
• Mention how big [you think] your dick is.
• Point out to a woman that she is "opinionated" or "has a lot of opinions." Probably she got those "opinions" during her decades of elite education, and by pointing it out you're revealing that you actually prefer women who aren't opinionated. Which is fine, but then why are you on a date with a feminist?

We're not all negative here at How to Have Sex in Texas, and to prove it here are some Dos. I can't guarantee they'll get you laid but some of you guys need all the help you can get.

DO:

• Carry condoms with you so if you get lucky, you don't look like a chump who assumes unprotected sex is okay. It's not okay.
• Call on the phone. In the early stages of dating, texting in lieu of calling makes you look like a scrotum.
• Be up front about any "history" you have. Divorced? No problem. Got herpes? Just disclose.
• Be psyched if a woman tells you about her sex toys. They're not competitors, they're teammates.
• Mention that you love going down on women. If you don't, either learn to like it or develop other killer foreplay skills.
• Go down on her first. This earns you many, many sex karma points. Promise.
• Ask for consent. Say "I want to fuck you. Is that okay?" And wait for her to say "YES!!!"

Good luck boys.

XOXO,

Julie Sunday

If reading is hard, this video of fellow Bedpost Confessions performer Big Poppa E pretty much sums it up.

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Virtual Book Tour: "Passion: Erotic Romance for Women"

No one is a more prolific producer of erotica for women than the epic Rachel Kramer Bussel, who graciously sent me a copy of her latest book, Passion: Erotic Romance for Women to review. I used to read her column in the Village Voice when I lived in New York and saw her do an erotic reading at Happy Ending in Chinatown and this woman knows her stuff.

For anyone who has ever read Penthouse Forum and longed for stories that were less about fucking the pizza delivery guy, bartender, or husband's friend/boss and more about how hot sex can be between two people who really know and love each other, this is the book for you.

I haven't made it all the way through the book yet (it's not the kind of romance novel that you read at a single stretch) but so far the stories are excellent. Long enough for erotic buildup, not too long that you get bored reading them.

I don't read regular romance novels so I have no idea how explicit they are these days, but these stories are definitely "hard core" in that they use words like "fuck" and "pussy" and "cock," but not so hard core that they include irritatingly degrading language "Suck my cock, you little slut" or "He made me into his slut--and I liked it!" you often find in Penthouse's letters.

As always, Rachel has done a terrific job of editing this anthology and putting together a collection of stories with no duds. Definitely worth adding to your smut library.

Does Pubic Hair Removal Increase the Risk of Herpes?

Could this excruciating process be increasing your risk for herpes?

In this fall's issue of the Journal of American College Health researchers from the University of Massachusetts at Amherst published research further raising the bar of the number of college student genital herpes infections caused by HSV-1, heretofore thought to be "oral herpes." (1) What the hell is going on? Are college students having drunken oral sex rainbow parties? Is this what all those Silly Bandz are for? Are kids who take abstinence pledges engaging in oral sex because they think it's "not sex" and/or "safe"? (It is, by the way) Or is the prevalence of shaved and waxed pubes putting these kids uniquely at risk for getting herpes if they come into contact with it?

Bob Horowitz and his coauthors did a chart review of students diagnosed with genital herpes at a campus health center. Of the 215 patient records reviewed, a whopping 78% of female and 85% of male genital herpes cases were caused by HSV-1. The standard suggestion for this finding is an alleged increase in oral sex. While I know that much of the 2000's has been spent panicking over the increase in oral sex among young people, I don't believe that sexual behavior changes significantly at the population level over time, so I don't believe that oral sex has really increased--we just ask about it specifically in surveys now, so we can measure something we couldn't measure before.

Case in point, the NHANES* didn't define sex as "oral, vaginal or anal" until the 1999 version; prior to that the term "sexual intercourse" was used. (2) But unless the questions are independent from each other, asking about each behavior individually, you are still fucking up your data collection because when you expand your definition of sex a greater proportion of people will report having had sex and with a greater number of partners without shedding any light on which type of sex might be presenting the greatest risk.

But here's my problem. According to the article referenced above, oral HSV-1 prevalence has been on the decline since the 1970s. Among 14-19 year olds (the age group of greatest interest to those of us who work in college health) HSV-1 seroprevalence declined from 45% in the 1988-1994 set to 39% in the 1999-2004 cohort. Among males, the prevalence declined from 43% to 36%, and among females 48% to 41%. (p 970) Between 36 and 41% of the population infected is nothing to sneeze at, but why would a decline in seroprevalence of both HSV-1 and HSV-2 make everyone freak out and conclude that oral sex is on the rise? If genital herpes infections in general were on the increase and HSV-2 was on the decline and HSV-1 on the rise then that idea would make sense. Are those people disproportionately having more oral sex than the rest of the population?

Horowitz suggests the following:

"Orogenital contact [oral sex] is a major factor in the transmission of genital HSV-1. Oral sex is commonly thought to be "safer" for prevention of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, including HIV disease, compared to vaginal or anal intercourse." (p 72)

Actually, there is no evidence that college students engage in oral sex because it is "safer" or because it presents no pregnancy risk. In fact, a breaking article by another college sex researcher, Sara Oswalt from the University of Texas - San Antonio, found that college students didn't report considering risk in making the decision to have oral sex at all. (3) Most people who engage in oral sex do so because they want someone's mouth on their junk or vice versa.

I have personally implemented the National College Health Assessment and am pretty damn familiar with the literature on college student sexual behavior, and I've never come across any data showing that oral sex is chosen based on a calculated risk assessment that ultimately favors oral instead of vaginal. I have also never, in my hundreds of conversations with students as a campus sexual health educator, heard a student say that they had oral sex for this reason. Most people are ready for oral--both in the macro [in their sexual development] and the micro [a specific relationship]--before vaginal or anal. Sexual behavior is a cumulative developmental process, like math. Horowitz doesn't include actual statistics from this data of what number of subjects have engaged in oral, vaginal or anal sex: he just notes oral sex as a "pattern." (p 72)

Horowitz mentions a few other "patterns" in those diagnosed with genital HSV-1: "a negative personal history of cold sores [i.e., no history of cold sores], having a sexual partner with a recent cold sore, orogenital contact, being an athlete, and cosmetic body shaving." (p 72) I have heard other college health providers suggest that women removing their pubic hair is associated with herpes risk.

I asked Horowitz for an interview and he declined. But hair removal is a risk for herpes and other skin-to-skin STI transmission in two ways. First, removing the hair eliminates a natural physical barrier between the genitals that could increase the amount of exposure a person would have to another person's junk during sex. Second, shaving and particularly, waxing, can compromise the integrity of the skin itself, leaving hair follicles open, exposed and susceptible to infection. Anyone who's had a bikini wax will remember those pin-prick sized dots of blood you get on your underwear and how your labia get all puffy--ladies, those are holes in your skin and the puffiness is a white blood cell response to skin trauma. Considering also that many people get waxed in anticipation of, uh, a "good time," those who wax could be particularly at risk because they may be more likely to go out and have a bunch of sex after getting waxed without allowing sufficient time to heal.

But this is a question that likely won't be answered soon, because of the Julie Sunday "What About the Fucking?!?" axiom. When researchers fail to actually consider the sexual implications of behaviors and diseases that are dependent on, you know, fucking, we fail to collect the right data or come to the right conclusions. If a healthcare provider notes a "pattern" of pubic hair removal occurring again and again in patients and fails to begin to keep track of who is doing what to their junk, we can't answer the question that might be the reason for the increase in genital HSV-1 diagnoses.

The answer probably isn't more oral sex but a change in the genital environment at the population level--i.e., less pubic hair--which makes oral sex a more efficient transmitter of HSV-1 from one partner's mouth to another's genitals.

Happy Friday.

----------

*National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey, conducted by the CDC

(1) Horowitz et al. "Herpes Simplex Virus Infection in a University Health Population: Clinical Manifestations, Epidemiology, and Implications." Journal of American College Health. Vol 59, No 2. Pgs. 69-74.
(2) Xu et al. "Trends in Herpes Simplex virus type 1 and type 2 seroprevalence in the United States." Journal of the American Medical Association. 2006: 296: 964-973.
(3) Oswalt, Sara. "Beyond Risk: Examining College Students' Sexual Decision Making." American Journal of Sexuality Education. 2010.

No Seriously, I Really Don't Understand Handjobs

I'm sad to report Garfunkel & Oates, awesome though they are, clearly haven't read my blog post from two years ago about handjobs. I'm reposting it here for those of you who have laughed uproariously at their recent video "Handjob, Blandjob, I Don't Understand Job" but at the end thought to yourself, "No, seriously, how do you give a good handjob?"

(Originally published on This is Go-To Girl September 15th, 2008)



dear go-to-girl,
how do I give a good hand job?
thanks!
(anonymous)

Dear (anonymous),

I've written about handjobs before, so presumably you have a question that goes beyond my last article on the HJ. So I asked your boyfriend and here's what he told me: hand jobs, when done well, are a totally hot addition to your repetoire. But you've gotta figure out how to do them right. That means knowing the when, where, and how of HJs.

When: Handjobs are best implemented, in my opinion, away from home. There's something really hot about handjobs when they're given in circumstances that just wouldn't allow for sex, like on a bus or train or underneath a table or counter when there are other people around who don't know what's going on.

Where: In his pants, obviously. I'm not in favor of the in-the-bedroom handjob, because if you're in bed, you might as well have sex. But as to where specifically your hands should be, according to The Handjob Handbook (which I have been dying to purchase and, thanks to this question, could do so and write it off on my taxes), your hands should be both on his penis and his balls (and taint, if he's down with that).

How: As I wrote the last time, you need lube. You also need to create a consistent rhythm, which might make your arm tired. Keep working on it. Beyond that, borrowed from The Handjob Handbook, here is "The OK," a basic HJ:

• Make an OK sign with your thumb and foreinger.
• Place the O that you've formed around the penis.
• Move your hand up and down the shaft.
• Now angle the O diagonally so the tips of your fingers point downward.
• As the O slides over the ridge of the head, put a little elbow grease into it and shift your forearm downward.
• Twist your hand back and forth, but just a little bit in each direction.
  

Best of luck!

Does Pubic Hair Removal Increase the Risk of Herpes?

Could this excruciating process be increasing your risk for herpes?

In this fall's issue of the Journal of American College Health researchers from the University of Massachusetts at Amherst published research further raising the bar of the number of college student genital herpes infections caused by HSV-1, heretofore thought to be "oral herpes." (1) What the hell is going on? Are college students having drunken oral sex rainbow parties? Is this what all those Silly Bandz are for? Are kids who take abstinence pledges engaging in oral sex because they think it's "not sex" and/or "safe"? (It is, by the way) Or is the prevalence of shaved and waxed pubes putting these kids uniquely at risk for getting herpes if they come into contact with it?

Bob Horowitz and his coauthors did a chart review of students diagnosed with genital herpes at a campus health center. Of the 215 patient records reviewed, a whopping 78% of female and 85% of male genital herpes cases were caused by HSV-1. The standard suggestion for this finding is an alleged increase in oral sex. While I know that much of the 2000's has been spent panicking over the increase in oral sex among young people, I don't believe that sexual behavior changes significantly at the population level over time, so I don't believe that oral sex has really increased--we just ask about it specifically in surveys now, so we can measure something we couldn't measure before.

Case in point, the NHANES* didn't define sex as "oral, vaginal or anal" until the 1999 version; prior to that the term "sexual intercourse" was used. (2) But unless the questions are independent from each other, asking about each behavior individually, you are still fucking up your data collection because when you expand your definition of sex a greater proportion of people will report having had sex and with a greater number of partners without shedding any light on which type of sex might be presenting the greatest risk.

But here's my problem. According to the article referenced above, oral HSV-1 prevalence has been on the decline since the 1970s. Among 14-19 year olds (the age group of greatest interest to those of us who work in college health) HSV-1 seroprevalence declined from 45% in the 1988-1994 set to 39% in the 1999-2004 cohort. Among males, the prevalence declined from 43% to 36%, and among females 48% to 41%. (p 970) Between 36 and 41% of the population infected is nothing to sneeze at, but why would a decline in seroprevalence of both HSV-1 and HSV-2 make everyone freak out and conclude that oral sex is on the rise? If genital herpes infections in general were on the increase and HSV-2 was on the decline and HSV-1 on the rise then that idea would make sense. Are those people disproportionately having more oral sex than the rest of the population?

Horowitz suggests the following:

"Orogenital contact [oral sex] is a major factor in the transmission of genital HSV-1. Oral sex is commonly thought to be "safer" for prevention of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, including HIV disease, compared to vaginal or anal intercourse." (p 72)

Actually, there is no evidence that college students engage in oral sex because it is "safer" or because it presents no pregnancy risk. In fact, a breaking article by another college sex researcher, Sara Oswalt from the University of Texas - San Antonio, found that college students didn't report considering risk in making the decision to have oral sex at all. (3) Most people who engage in oral sex do so because they want someone's mouth on their junk or vice versa.

I have personally implemented the National College Health Assessment and am pretty damn familiar with the literature on college student sexual behavior, and I've never come across any data showing that oral sex is chosen based on a calculated risk assessment that ultimately favors oral instead of vaginal. I have also never, in my hundreds of conversations with students as a campus sexual health educator, heard a student say that they had oral sex for this reason. Most people are ready for oral--both in the macro [in their sexual development] and the micro [a specific relationship]--before vaginal or anal. Sexual behavior is a cumulative developmental process, like math. Horowitz doesn't include actual statistics from this data of what number of subjects have engaged in oral, vaginal or anal sex: he just notes oral sex as a "pattern." (p 72)

Horowitz mentions a few other "patterns" in those diagnosed with genital HSV-1: "a negative personal history of cold sores [i.e., no history of cold sores], having a sexual partner with a recent cold sore, orogenital contact, being an athlete, and cosmetic body shaving." (p 72) I have heard other college health providers suggest that women removing their pubic hair is associated with herpes risk.

I asked Horowitz for an interview and he declined. But hair removal is a risk for herpes and other skin-to-skin STI transmission in two ways. First, removing the hair eliminates a natural physical barrier between the genitals that could increase the amount of exposure a person would have to another person's junk during sex. Second, shaving and particularly, waxing, can compromise the integrity of the skin itself, leaving hair follicles open, exposed and susceptible to infection. Anyone who's had a bikini wax will remember those pin-prick sized dots of blood you get on your underwear and how your labia get all puffy--ladies, those are holes in your skin and the puffiness is a white blood cell response to skin trauma. Considering also that many people get waxed in anticipation of, uh, a "good time," those who wax could be particularly at risk because they may be more likely to go out and have a bunch of sex after getting waxed without allowing sufficient time to heal.

But this is a question that likely won't be answered soon, because of the Julie Sunday "What About the Fucking?!?" axiom. When researchers fail to actually consider the sexual implications of behaviors and diseases that are dependent on, you know, fucking, we fail to collect the right data or come to the right conclusions. If a healthcare provider notes a "pattern" of pubic hair removal occurring again and again in patients and fails to begin to keep track of who is doing what to their junk, we can't answer the question that might be the reason for the increase in genital HSV-1 diagnoses.

The answer probably isn't more oral sex but a change in the genital environment at the population level--i.e., less pubic hair--which makes oral sex a more efficient transmitter of HSV-1 from one partner's mouth to another's genitals.

Happy Friday.

----------

*National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey, conducted by the CDC

(1) Horowitz et al. "Herpes Simplex Virus Infection in a University Health Population: Clinical Manifestations, Epidemiology, and Implications." Journal of American College Health. Vol 59, No 2. Pgs. 69-74.
(2) Xu et al. "Trends in Herpes Simplex virus type 1 and type 2 seroprevalence in the United States." Journal of the American Medical Association. 2006: 296: 964-973.
(3) Oswalt, Sara. "Beyond Risk: Examining College Students' Sexual Decision Making." American Journal of Sexuality Education. 2010.

Texas Book Festival: "Pink Ribbon Blues"

As an acolyte of Dr. Devra Davis and a committed skeptic of corporate interests in health, I was thrilled to have the opportunity to hear Dr. Gayle Sulik speak at the Texas Book Festival yesterday about her new book, Pink Ribbon Blues.

Sulik spoke about "pink ribbon culture" defining the breast cancer experience based on an idealized woman (the "She-Ro") who does not exist. She spoke to survivor after survivor who did not identify with--and were insulted by--the assumption that having cancer was "life changing" and "eye opening" and "made me focus on what was really important."

Even though I have breast cancer in all the important places in my family, attended one of the very first Races for the Cure in Washington, DC when my mom had cancer in the early 1990s, went through counseling for the BRCA gene a few years ago, and care deeply about women's health, I am disgusted by the increasingly tacky and ubiquitous pink ribbon garbage that I see everywhere in October.


Ugh.

While I'm all about survivors (female and male) having an outlet to get support and find solidarity around their disease, when I see pink "awareness" nail polish, beer, NFL teams, wine, tacky grocery store baked goods, vacuum cleaners, rubber gloves, and so on, I want to punch someone in the face. And I love pink.

To me, this "pinkwashing" is a targeted distraction on two levels. First, products that are at best only moderately healthy (sugary yogurt) and at worst actually likely to increase your risk of breast cancer (alcohol and tacky baked goods) are made to seem beneficial because, oh can't you see how much they care about "the fight against breast cancer"? They cared enough to put hot pink frosting and ribbon-shaped confetti on their doughnut so surely they aren't actually trying to sell you something that could contribute to cancer.

The NFL cared enough to make all the players wear pink cleats so, no, honey, I can't turn off the game--they're supporting breast cancer awareness!

On a broader social level, government and corporate interests "supporting" breast cancer "awareness" demonstrate a nominal commitment to "women's health" (as though breasts are the only thing we need to keep healthy--and for whose benefit?) and distract from the continued reality that women earn less money, suffer in a patriarchal system, and face other emergent health threats--like environmental chemical exposures that we KNOW cause cancer--that are ignored. Breast cancer provides a convenient "women's issues" bona fide to politicians and companies who couldn't possibly care less about the real problems women face.

Now I've gotta buy the book.

Not For Sale in Texas: The New Trojan Tri-Phoria

The adorable commercial for Trojan Tri-Phoria

Trojan has a new vibrator, ladies! The Trojan "Tri-Phoria" has Multiple speeds! Three interchangeable tips! and FIVE vibration patterns! ZOMG! Anyone who's ever walked into a sex toy store will recognize this as a really boring, run of the mill toy but the New York Times today reports that Trojan has received approval to show the commercial above during the day on several TV networks, including Comedy Central. This represents a shift from 2007, when Trojan's "Evolve" commercials, which were incredibly tame, were banned from several major networks.

As a Trojan alumnae, I feel some loyalty to the brand even though the condoms are last on the list of rubbers I'd actually use. When they began their cautious foray into vibrators several years ago with the Elexa Vibrating Ring (which, when they put Elexa to bed, became the Trojan Vibrating Ring), the primary purpose was to make vibrators available in general merchandise stores--like CVS, Walgreens, and, yes, Wal-Mart.

But...not in Texas, Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Kansas, or Virginia. In spite of the overturn of Texas' sex toy ban in 2008, Trojan still won't make its vibrators available for sale in the state. The other states I get, since their bans are still on the books, but Texas really did overturn the ban. This makes me wonder if Trojan's legal affairs people know something we don't--perhaps that the Supreme Court will consider a sex toy ban case (and may uphold it) after all.

Product Review: Sex in the Shower

I was thrilled when I discovered that Sportsheets, the company behind the Velcro Bondage Bed Sheets and the Door Jam Cuffs, was venturing into products to make sex in the shower easier. So I made some calls and voila! received an assortment of products in the mail.

The Dual Locking Suction Handle is meant for showers with tile of at least 3 inches square or so (if your tile is too small, the seal of the suction cups won't stick) and is meant to withstand serious pressure. Our reviewer said that it held up under the strain of shower sex quite well.

The Single Locking Suction Foot Rest, which can double as a perch for shaving, fell right off.

The Silicone Lubricant, on the other hand, was a huge success according to our tester. It lasted and lasted and didn't feel sticky or greasy after the shower was over--a key feature, since silicone lube can be tough to remove from the skin.

They also have a variety of actual shower products, like vibrating sponges, poufs, and soap. I got one of each. The Vibrating Foam Sea Sponge is a real sea sponge with a powerful little waterproof vibrator in it. It felt good to wash with it but I don't know if it's actually intended for shower masturbation--I think the sponge's absorption of the intense vibrations would make it not super good for that. But for washing, it was nice. Ditto for the pouf and the soap, which I intend to take to the gym for post-workout showers.

Sportsheets products are always well-made and sturdy. I'm a big fan of their Beginner's Waterproof Harness, which has been repurposed for the Sex in the Shower line. Other items to try include the Suction Hand Cuffs.

Apparently Sex in the Shower has made a splash in Dallas, because the website features a coupon for two D-town retailers, Sara's Secret and Condoms to Go (as opposed to condoms for here?).

Austin #1 Most Sexually Active City in USA, Has Own Racist Lube

Easy to get in Houston, that is!

According to National Douchebag Monthly (read: Men's Health), Austin is the most sexually active city in America!

But don't take it from me: Texas towns haven't fared well in a few of our past rankings, having been included among the Fattest and the Drunkest U.S. cities. But this time is different. When we calculated national nookie rates, several Lone Star State cities came out on top. Maybe they took our previous rankings to heart—you'll have more sex if you sober up and slim down.

I think they've got their chicken and their egg mixed up: recent research has shown that fatter women have more sex and, duh, Austin is also one of the most drunk cities in America, so do the math:

beer goggles = sexual desire x (fat chick - 30 pounds), amirite bros?

But I am completely fucking proud that of all the categories by which cities were rated, Austin was #1 in condom sales. I'd like to think that yours truly had a little somethin' to do with that. I also want to give a shout out to my local condom purveying establishments, the Walgreens at 45th and Guadalupe and the Hancock Center HEB, which have amazing condom and lube sections.

But the really weird thing? Texas has 7 cities in the top 20, more than any other state by far. And those cities, for the most part, all have big colleges in them so perhaps the high ranking on condom sales is related to college kids being responsible about wrapping it up. For the complete list check out the Statesman.

I do want to point out one flaw in their analysis, though--they claim that for STD ranking, #1 = highest rate. And ain't no way Houston is 50th (i.e., lowest) in STD rates. Dallas neither. Both are epicenters of the syphilis retro sensation.

In kind of related news, we have our own possibly racist lube offering here in town, with two varieties for your slippin' slidin' pleasure: Joe Lube, which is standard, and José lube, which is "thicker." Mad props to my student J who fearlessly took this photo at our friendly neighborhood local Walgreens.

FDA Approves ella, 5 Day Emergency Contraceptive

The New York Times reported this morning that the FDA approved ella, a 5-day post-sex emergency contraceptive long available in Europe, for use in the United States.

I love thinking about how they put together this research study:

In a head-to-head trial between the two drugs, women who took ella had a 1.8 percent chance of becoming pregnant, while women who took Plan B had a 2.6 percent chance. Experts tracked nearly 1,700 women who randomly received one of the two pills within three to five days of having unprotected sex.

What, did they use Facebook ads? Considering the 5 day window this is a pretty quick recruitment turnaround. Or did they just recruit women who reported that the chances they would have unprotected sex in the next 6 months were good, and gave them ella to have on hand?


Either way, the drug should be out in the 4th quarter of this year, just in time for New Years.

Q & A: When is Bareback Sex Okay?

The cure for what ails you: the condom pocket boxer.

Dear Ms. Sunday,

I had an interesting week. I met a woman online and went out for drinks with her. We hit it off just fine and had sex into the wee hours. I wasn't prepared for it, condom-wise, mostly because I didn't think it would get that far on a second date. We were ready to go for round two, and she informed me that she did not have another condom. She informed me that she was clean and had an IUD so pregnancy seemed out of range. She told me she had been tested after her last sexual partner and was good to go.

I couldn't let myself have unprotected sex with someone I had just met. It ended up fine because she rummaged around and found a condom. Now, I'm not looking for a pat on the head for being responsible or a wag of the finger for not doing my male duty and having my own protection (I'll be ready next time). I am wondering how do you decide when/if to have unprotected sex with someone?

Thanks,

Scott

Dear Scott,

When I talk to college students about using condoms, I always tell them that the first step to successful condom use is having a fucking condom. And better yet, have two or three, because what if one breaks and, as your situation demonstrates, who only wants to have sex once?

Since I have approximately 1,500 condoms laying around my apartment I can't imagine what it's like to really only have just one condom--what a terrible thought. If I were you, I would get a few dozen condoms and distribute them to all of your wallets, backpacks, man-purses, tighty-whities, and whatever else you regularly wear that has pockets just in case. And put them around your apartment within arm's reach of surfaces on which you might have sex, like your bed, the shower/bathtub, the kitchen counter, the dining room table, the patio, and so on.

I think a second date is far too soon to say, "Don't worry about condoms, I'm on the pill/have an IUD/am sterile." Sure, assuming she's using her method correctly, the risk of pregnancy is low. But preventing pregnancy is up to both partners, and if you want to avoid the possibility of having a child you're not prepared to raise then you are responsible for wrapping up your junk.

Maybe this woman really did get a "clean" STI test recently and she really does have an IUD, but that's a lot of "if"s to be fucking under. Even if your partner was tested for STIs recently, were you? Do you have any idea what your STI status is beyond a vague feeling of "If I had something, I'd know"? (you probably wouldn't, by the way)

In sum, when negotiating condomless sex with a new partner, there are three things that need to be dealt with: STI risk, pregnancy prevention method, and "what if pregnancy?" The time to negotiate these things is not when you're under the fuckluence but after you've already shown up to the party ready to jam several times. Most of the time, sex does not result in pregnancy or STI transmission. But the possibility is always there so you have to decide when you're comfortable facing that risk together with a partner because if she gets pregnant, you could be on the hook for 18 years of child-rearing with someone you barely know. If your dick is still hard after thinking about that, for fuck's sake: just wrap it up.

Love,
Julie

Guys: How to Be Better at Sex

With apologies to my pals at How Players Do It (really? really?), college health colleague Emily Nagoski has written a fantastic treatment of how guys can be better at sex. Read. Learn. Fuck.