Q & A: When is Bareback Sex Okay?

The cure for what ails you: the condom pocket boxer.

Dear Ms. Sunday,

I had an interesting week. I met a woman online and went out for drinks with her. We hit it off just fine and had sex into the wee hours. I wasn't prepared for it, condom-wise, mostly because I didn't think it would get that far on a second date. We were ready to go for round two, and she informed me that she did not have another condom. She informed me that she was clean and had an IUD so pregnancy seemed out of range. She told me she had been tested after her last sexual partner and was good to go.

I couldn't let myself have unprotected sex with someone I had just met. It ended up fine because she rummaged around and found a condom. Now, I'm not looking for a pat on the head for being responsible or a wag of the finger for not doing my male duty and having my own protection (I'll be ready next time). I am wondering how do you decide when/if to have unprotected sex with someone?

Thanks,

Scott

Dear Scott,

When I talk to college students about using condoms, I always tell them that the first step to successful condom use is having a fucking condom. And better yet, have two or three, because what if one breaks and, as your situation demonstrates, who only wants to have sex once?

Since I have approximately 1,500 condoms laying around my apartment I can't imagine what it's like to really only have just one condom--what a terrible thought. If I were you, I would get a few dozen condoms and distribute them to all of your wallets, backpacks, man-purses, tighty-whities, and whatever else you regularly wear that has pockets just in case. And put them around your apartment within arm's reach of surfaces on which you might have sex, like your bed, the shower/bathtub, the kitchen counter, the dining room table, the patio, and so on.

I think a second date is far too soon to say, "Don't worry about condoms, I'm on the pill/have an IUD/am sterile." Sure, assuming she's using her method correctly, the risk of pregnancy is low. But preventing pregnancy is up to both partners, and if you want to avoid the possibility of having a child you're not prepared to raise then you are responsible for wrapping up your junk.

Maybe this woman really did get a "clean" STI test recently and she really does have an IUD, but that's a lot of "if"s to be fucking under. Even if your partner was tested for STIs recently, were you? Do you have any idea what your STI status is beyond a vague feeling of "If I had something, I'd know"? (you probably wouldn't, by the way)

In sum, when negotiating condomless sex with a new partner, there are three things that need to be dealt with: STI risk, pregnancy prevention method, and "what if pregnancy?" The time to negotiate these things is not when you're under the fuckluence but after you've already shown up to the party ready to jam several times. Most of the time, sex does not result in pregnancy or STI transmission. But the possibility is always there so you have to decide when you're comfortable facing that risk together with a partner because if she gets pregnant, you could be on the hook for 18 years of child-rearing with someone you barely know. If your dick is still hard after thinking about that, for fuck's sake: just wrap it up.

Love,
Julie