No Seriously, I Really Don't Understand Handjobs

I'm sad to report Garfunkel & Oates, awesome though they are, clearly haven't read my blog post from two years ago about handjobs. I'm reposting it here for those of you who have laughed uproariously at their recent video "Handjob, Blandjob, I Don't Understand Job" but at the end thought to yourself, "No, seriously, how do you give a good handjob?"

(Originally published on This is Go-To Girl September 15th, 2008)



dear go-to-girl,
how do I give a good hand job?
thanks!
(anonymous)

Dear (anonymous),

I've written about handjobs before, so presumably you have a question that goes beyond my last article on the HJ. So I asked your boyfriend and here's what he told me: hand jobs, when done well, are a totally hot addition to your repetoire. But you've gotta figure out how to do them right. That means knowing the when, where, and how of HJs.

When: Handjobs are best implemented, in my opinion, away from home. There's something really hot about handjobs when they're given in circumstances that just wouldn't allow for sex, like on a bus or train or underneath a table or counter when there are other people around who don't know what's going on.

Where: In his pants, obviously. I'm not in favor of the in-the-bedroom handjob, because if you're in bed, you might as well have sex. But as to where specifically your hands should be, according to The Handjob Handbook (which I have been dying to purchase and, thanks to this question, could do so and write it off on my taxes), your hands should be both on his penis and his balls (and taint, if he's down with that).

How: As I wrote the last time, you need lube. You also need to create a consistent rhythm, which might make your arm tired. Keep working on it. Beyond that, borrowed from The Handjob Handbook, here is "The OK," a basic HJ:

• Make an OK sign with your thumb and foreinger.
• Place the O that you've formed around the penis.
• Move your hand up and down the shaft.
• Now angle the O diagonally so the tips of your fingers point downward.
• As the O slides over the ridge of the head, put a little elbow grease into it and shift your forearm downward.
• Twist your hand back and forth, but just a little bit in each direction.
  

Best of luck!