Thursday, June 27, 2013

When Texas Outlaws Sex Toys, Only Outlaws Will Have Vibrators: Summer Sex Toy Guide!

Happy June, Y'all! In honor of the brief triumph of democracy in the Texas Legislature and the fall of DOMA, I am thrilled to present the Summer Sex Toy Guide, Get 'em Before Texas Outlaws 'em Again Edition! Whether you participated in the Citizens Filibuster or just watched the live feed until 2am on Tuesday, I think we can all agree that, after the melee of the last week, some self-care is in order. So treat yourself to a massage, enjoy a closet-cruise at Midtowne Spa, get your nails did, buy a new pair of sandals--whatever you need to help you feel your best before we go back into the trenches for next week's Extra Special Session. But if you prefer self-care that is, well, done by yourself, why not treat yourself to a new sex toy? It'll keep you happy long after you've watched your rights stripped away in the halls of the Texas Capitol.

During this nonstop assault on Traditional Texas Values, picking out the right toy can be hard but with my years of experience, I can help you find something that will meet the unique needs of your down-there grassroots.
Iroha Sukura

You Are: A Slutty Teen Mom Who Didn't Learn Her Lesson. 
You Should Try: Sukura

Have you, in spite of your life circumstances, failed to absorb the importance of choosing life? Do you have the audacity to defend women's right to have sex without being forced by the state to bear unwanted children? Then The Iroha Sukura Vibe is for you. It takes a new approach to stimulation--designed to cup the entire vulva but with pinpointable-areas for spot-on vibration, this toy offers an alternative to the ubiquitous clit-only styles and is perfect for single moms who just can't even. Rechargeable and made from silicone. $99. Use a water-based lube like Sliquid H20.


You Are: An ALEC-funded Stepford Legislator.
You Should Try: Lelo Yva

America is about rewarding those who have worked hard. You've worked hard. You deserve the best. At least, you think you do. Lelo Yva is the best clitoral vibrator in the history of traditional family values and your (mistress's) 1% twat merits the royal treatment. Gold plated, the Yva is rechargeable, and since it's metal it warms to skin temperature for the luxurious masturbation experience God intended when he wrote the plan for your life. It's an investment in yourself! Rechargeable. $3900. Water-, Silicone- and Oil-based lubes are all fine.

You Are: The Secretly Feminist Wife of a Republican Texas Lawmaker.
You Should Try: Silk Dildo and Sasha Harness.

Sasha Harness
Pegging--i.e., a female wearing a strap on and penetrating her male partner--is becoming more widely known and also increasingly reflective of how Texas women would like to show our Republican lawmakers what it feels like to get fucked. If you're married to a republican legislator and anal-curious, the Silk dildos are excellent for butt play--the silicone is very smooth for easy entry, and it's totally washable for quick cleaning. If you want a harness that makes you feel feminine while you're giving that anti-choice douchebag what for, the Sasha from Spare Parts is the one you want. It's made of durable stretchy satin and your husband will love that it looks like a pair of sexy panties straight out of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Try wearing it with boots! Silk ranges from $26 for the small, $36 for medium and $46 for large. Sasha is $150. Use with Sassy Lube, a thick, non-drippy water-based lube from Sliquid especially designed for anal play. I also recommend Violet Blue's The Adventurous Couple's Guide to Strap-On Sex ($14.95).

You Are: Waiting Until Marriage. But...
Big Boss
You Should Try: Big Boss Vibe.

Sure, you support a woman's right to be born (good one!), but who says chastity has to be boring? Fun Factory's Big Boss vibe is designed for G-Spot stimulation with its gently curved shape and it's big enough to keep any size queen--no matter how virginal--totally satisfied. This vibrator is rechargeable, waterproof, and silicone, so it is body-safe, you can use it in the shower, and you never have to buy batteries. That means your future husband will never examine your grocery receipts and realize that you spend your days at home with your homeschooled brood flicking your bean. Trust me--if you guiltily fantasize about laying with your youth pastor, you'll love this vibrator. $129 but so worth it. Use with water-based lubes only.

You Are: Gluten-Intolerant and Butthurt. 
You Should Try: Sliquid Organics Sensation.

Many lubes contain gluten, and can cause allergic reactions for those with sensitivities. Some also contain animal-derived ingredients or chemicals that can irritate the delicate skin of the butthurt regions. Sliquid's lubes are all gluten free and vegan but Sensation, which contains plant extracts that cause cooling on the skin, is totally perfect for the fucking you'll take during the punishing Second Special Legislative Session. Sliquid is also a Texas-based company so, no matter your position on making women second class citizens, your purchase stimulates our economy! $15. Water-based, Sensation can be used with any sex toy.

You Are: A Stinky Feminist Who Can't Afford to Buy a Bra. 
You Should Try: The Silver Bullet Vibe

Look, we aren't all old-money cattle barons, Dallas Thirty Thousand Dollar Millionaires, wealthy televangelists, or Houston oil executives. Some of us have to work hard for the money and in these challenging economic times, we all need to stretch our dollars and get the biggest bang for the buck. If you're budget minded and don't know why we're wasting time with legislation that has no effect on our economy, the Silver Bullet, at just $15, is exactly what you need. It takes AA batteries and has a powerful vibration that will get you from zero to filibuster in no time. Not waterproof.

As Guvnah Good Hair says, Texas is Open For Bidnis! Support one of your fine local sex toy retailers before the War on Straight's Rights comes for them too. If you're in Austin I suggest checking out my friends at Q Toys. If not, I highly recommend Babeland!


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