Monday, June 4, 2012

Nothing Makes a Man Think "I Need These New Trojan Charged Orgasmic Pleasure Condoms" Like Just for Men 'Stache Dye

Camera Phone + Walgreens lighting = blurry picture

Loyal readers of How to Have Sex in Texas know that I regularly check out the condom section at various and sundry retailers when I'm out shopping on a Sunday night. It was on such a trip that I discovered the hilariously repackaged "Armor" spermicide condoms I wrote about earlier this spring and the "vertical package" Hey Look I Have a Huge Dick! Trojans that sneakily reduced the number of condoms in the box while raising the price. Condoms have always been sold 12 to a box but the economy is bad, you guys! They had to pay for all that extra condom wrapping foil somehow.

Usually, the condoms have just been retooled with some "luxury" lubricant,  burning or cooling or burning and cooling substance, or whatever other recycled gimmick (see: nonoxynol-9) our pals over at Church & Dwight have slapped on the box that doesn't have any effect on the condom's actual efficacy, as such a change would require FDA review.  So last night when I went to Walgreens looking for calcium pills and rubbing alcohol (whatever, it was Sunday) I was surprised to see a new bro in the condom frat house: Trojan Charged: Orgasmic Pleasure, coming in at a whopping $14.99 per box.* $1.49 per condom? Really, Trojan? Oh, I get it--the lubricant is "intensified."

Look, I don't know if Charged is just a repackaging of the warming condoms, which aren't individually listed on the hella-flashy Trojan website anymore. There are what appear to be new ribs on the tip of the condom, where they're totally unnecessary, since the nerve endings inside the vagina aren't fine-tuned enough to notice that kind of microdetail. The ribs claim to be "deep" but the quality of Trojan's ribs has never been in question--they are one of the few condoms with ribs you can actually feel at the base of the vagina, which is the most sensitive part.

The jury is out on whether warming lubricant actually does anything other than cause a mild warmth that is totally distinct from the terrifying burning/cooling sensation of the Fire & Ice line of products. I stand by my review of the Bareskin but otherwise don't pay attention to Trojan's gimmicks. Every dick is different and you should find a condom that works for you, even if it doesn't come in a Hey Look I Have a Huge Dick wrapper or isn't slathered with a nasty climax control/warming/cooling/warming & cooling/tingling/spermicidal lubricant.
"Guys who buy hair dye are trying to get laid, so let's put the condoms next to the 'stache kit!" --Brilliant Walgreens Manager
On a totally different note, Walgreens has inexplicably put the condoms next to the Just for Men hair dye section while keeping the lube, paternity tests, Intelligender (!) "gender prediction" kits, and spermicides in the tampon aisle. I actually had to ask the lady restocking the pantyhose at 9 on a Sunday night if they didn't carry condoms anymore. 99.99999% of the rest of the condom shoppers on the planet are not going to ask where the condoms are--they're going to assume that they've been relocated to the "Slut Supplies" aisle to teach you a lesson and sheepishly leave without their latex. 

Memo to Walgreens--keep your sexytime products all in one place. Yes, condoms go on people with penises, many of whom identify as male, and might at some point consider buying Just For Men hair dye. But seriously, put all the sex stuff in the same place. Condoms are the one item in the drugstore that no one wants to have to ask about so don't go changing the game like that. And while you're listening, no one knows what "family planning" means anymore--just put "condoms" or "contraceptives" on the sign above the aisle. Or, you know, "Slut Supplies."

*protip: you can get them for $8.99 at