Monday, June 18, 2012

Cure Your Hysteria With Our Summer Sex Toy Guide!

Your Great Great Grandmother Could Have Had A Vibrator Like This
So I saw "Hysteria" last night. Obviously, because I love vibrators. But this isn't the first (or the best) movie I've seen about Victorian-era "uterine massage"--to that, I commend you "The Road to Wellville," my favorite book of all time and definitely the best movie about veganism and enemas.

The movie is worth seeing, and probably delightful for those not so drowning-in-vibrator-knowledge as I. At the end of the movie, I thought of how lucky we all are that these days, we don't have to rely on a physician that doesn't believe in germs to masturbate us to orgasm.

If you want to see what ye olde vibrators looked like, Babeland has an online museum you can check out hereThis one looks perilously close to the one in the movie.

But what is out there these days? My annual trip to Babeland is planned for late July and this is a compilation of what I'll be eager to get my hands on when I reach my mothership in New York.

I present: The How to Have Sex in Texas Summer Sex Toy Guide 

Lelo's Smart Wand

First up is The Smart Wand from Lelo, at left. I'm not a big wand gal, but this is damn awesome. One of the biggest complaints about the Hitachi Magic Wand is that the handle is straight, which can make it difficult to hold for long periods of time. It's also one of the few toys that actually plugs into the wall.

The Smart Wand has a nicely curved handle and, as we've come to expect from Lelo, is waterproof and rechargeable. $129. Daaaamn. I can think of a couple of extra uses for that handle, too....

The Obsession Bullet

Next we have the Obsession Bullet Vibe. If you don't have a bullet vibe, stop reading this blog and go buy one right now. Seriously. The incredibly cheap (but worth every penny) Silver Bullet is a total must-have but the Obsession Bullet Vibe incorporates memory so you don't have to bother finding that just right vibration setting; it remembers for you. Obviously a super convenient feature for the gal on the go :) It's also waterproof which is a big improvement over the Silver Bullet. $28. At right.

In keeping with the women's liberation theme of "Hysteria" I love the Liberator Pulse! Probably pretty awkward if you live with roommates, but totally freaking incredible. If you're an on-top person, this should be on your Chrismukkah list. You provide the dildo and whatever rocking motion suits your fancy. I recommend something with a flared base, like the Adam. At left, $84.

Lelo's Earl

The anal toy of the millennium goes to Lelo, for the Earl. Available in 18k gold or sterling silver, my Nana would definitely approve. It comes with matching cufflinks, so if you're looking for a guy who's into prostate play, look for the Lelo links at your next formal playparty.  If you're a sugar-somebody with a kept man, show him you love him with this beauty. Or, you know, get it for a blogger you love. $590 for silver and $990 for gold.

It's hard to imagine what revolutionary advances could be made in lube, but Babeland has us covered. As an unabashed lover of all things cowboy (other than the actual Cowboys, that is--Redskins 4eva) I'm thrilled that Texas-based Sliquid has me covered with a new line of Dude Lubes. Looking good is the Ride Rub Stroke Oil, an oil and silicone-based lube that I'm willing to bet lasts forevvvvver. Since it contains oil, it can't be used with condoms, but if you and your partner(s) are tested and confirmed STI-free and/or sharing, this looks like a killer lube. They have an oil-free version called Ride Dude Lube. Yes, please. Both are glycerin, paraben and gluten free and vegan. $14.

Those are my picks for 2012. It's gonna be a long, hot summer y'all. We should be together!