Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Happy Birthday to Rick Santorum!


If it weren't for NPR's daily "Happy Birthday to [insert marginally famous person]" announcements I would not have known that today was Rick Santorum's birthday. But now that I know, I thought it fitting to write a birthday post to honor the man who has tried so hard to make the sex lives of so many so miserable.

If you're new to Rick Santorum, the first thing to know is that he's a weird, super pro-life former Senator from Pennsylvania who spent the night cuddling with his dead son.

But in these modern times Google is the arbiter of the most important thing to know about a person, so we must share that several years ago Rick became famous for something entirely different. In an interview with USA Today, Santorum suggested that by overturning anti-sodomy laws [the decision that was later handed down, Lawrence v. Texas, did just that], the Supreme Court would be condoning incest, bigamy, and, most famously, "man-on-dog" sex.

In the same interview, Santorum expanded:
And if you make the case that if you can do whatever you want to do, as long as it's in the privacy of your own home, this "right to privacy," then why be surprised that people are doing things that are deviant within their own home? If you say, there is no deviant as long as it's private, as long as it's consensual, then don't be surprised what you get. You're going to get a lot of things that you're sending signals that as long as you do it privately and consensually, we don't really care what you do.
Nailed it, Rick! But wait, there's more:
This right to privacy that doesn't exist in my opinion in the United States Constitution, this right that was created, it was created in Griswold — Griswold was the contraceptive case — and abortion.
That's right: Santorum said on the record that he did not believe that the right to privacy exists in the Constitution. He went further to blame the Catholic church sex abuse scandals on the right to privacy, because liberals had damaged the so-called fabric of our society.

In retaliation, Dan Savage, hero of heroes, put out the call for sex-tolerant Americans to coin a new definition for "santorum" that would live in infamy and shame the Senator for his homophobic, hateful, and anti-sex ways. And how.

The first Google search result for "Rick Santorum" is not Facebook, a coy presidential "exploratory" site (#4), or a Wikipedia entry (#2); it is the page for Spreading Santorum, the front of which simply carries the word's jaw-droppingly gross definition:
"The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex."

Mr. Santorum, I can't think of a better birthday tribute than to remind Americans what you really stand for. And also to suggest you hire a search engine optimization expert, post fucking haste.

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