Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The Year in Sex:
Resolutions for 2011

If you need to cry...go ahead, baby. And then STFU.

Things are looking down economically in Texas, and with a $25 billion budget shortfall we are on the fast track to getting totally fucked in all the wrong ways. So why not focus on growing and protecting what you can control this year: your sex life. Think of it as your, um, private nest egg. You can make some deposits to your, er, account that will grow in utility and provide payoffs even if you wind up living under an overpass in Austin.

So, honey...wanna try...anal?

I have some friends, who shall remain anonymous because How to Have Sex in Texas never names its sources (or subjects, wink wink), who made a New Years Resolution last year to have anal sex by New Years Eve 2010. I don't know yet if they did it, but I tried to coach them as best I could and even sent them some specially chosen preparative toys as an engagement present.

If you've always wanted to try something but have been too scared or too shy to tell your partner, make this year the year you're going to get your needs met. Want to try anal? Read this article on the 10 Steps to a Successful Anal Encounter. And proceed.

Get Over That Breakup Already

If you're nursing a broken heart, cry your tears, write your poetry, and get the hell over it. Read He's Just Not That Into You and then read It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken. Watch the "Cry Baby" video above as many times as it takes and let.it.go. Some of the best advice I've ever received was from a friend who said, after a breakup, that a person has every right not to want to date you. But one thing is for certain: your friends are sick of hearing about it.

This is also a great time to cut the cord of that relationship that just won't die. If you read the books above and say to yourself, "Hmm, the asshole behavior they're describing seems a lot like the way I act and feel," get out now. One minute is too long to stay in a relationship that you know isn't working. DTMFA.

Replace that College Vibrator

If you're still using the vibrator that you bought at that sketchy 24 hour video store in college, please put the toxic toy down right now and get a new friend. I got to visit Good Vibrations while I was in San Francisco and see in person some of the incredible new vibrators that have come out. My personal wish list includes the Soraya by Lelo which, if you like a rabbit-style toy, is what you need. Gorgeous, waterproof, rechargeable, quiet, and no stupid animal faces that make it hard to clean. Whatever style toy you like, if you have a jelly toy that contains phthalates, replace it immediately. That shit is toxic and it smells terrible.

Protect Your Health...While You Still Have Insurance

The most important sex resolutions for 2011 concern preventative health. If you've never been tested for STIs, do it now. Especially if you're female. The firestorm in the feminist blogosphere about whether birth control pills cause infertility [they don't] aside, the leading cause of preventable infertility in American women is untreated chlamydia, which can hang out in the body for years and show no symptoms while causing irreparable damage to the fallopian tubes or seminiferous tubules in men. Testing for chlamydia is easy and painless--a simple urine test in men or vaginal swab in women will do it. You can find a testing site near you--which may do testing for free--here.

The other super important thing to do, if you're in a sexual relationship with an opposite-sex person and don't want a baby this year, is figure out how you'll prevent pregnancy and stick to it. "User failure" is the main reason people using otherwise super-effective birth control methods get pregnant, and "user failure" can mean anything from inserting a ring late to not using a backup method if you've been throwing up or having diarrhea, both of which can decrease the body's absorption of the pill. Using condoms "some of the time" or putting one on after sex starts isn't good enough, either.

If you want to track your cycle, check out CycleBeads. You can download an app for your iPhone or iPad that will track your fertile days, or you can purchase the physical beads.

You could also get a long-term method, like the IUD, before everything happening in healthcare goes to shit. One thing is for certain--abortion is going to be harder to get, and probably more expensive. So if you want to not be pregnant, it's going to be a lot easier and cheaper to avoid it on the front end.

Give a Gift to Those in Need

If you have health insurance, a killer vibrator, and a reliable birth control method and still have some money left over, this is the year to contribute financially to those who might not have the same choices as you. I haven't yet heard of a charity that gives sex toys to homeless women [Babeland, are you listening?] but one way you can help is to contribute to a local abortion fund. Cost is one of the hugest barriers for women who need abortions, and you can help a woman in desperate need by finding the fund that serves your area and making a donation. In Texas, the Lilith Fund, the Texas Equal Access Fund, and the Jim Wimberly Fund [just for Planned Parenthood in Austin] help women get the services they need.

Here's to a great year in sex.
Julie Sunday

1 comment:

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